A double coffee kinda day.

I have a strict coffee code of conduct. Only one per day and must be consumed before 12pm.

I'm highly sensitive to caffeine you see. Actually, I'm just highly sensitive to everything. But caffeine especially. Breaking the rules this afternoon mean I am now ready to bound out of my chair and start bouncing around the walls like one of those crazy cartoon balls that spring from one side of the room to the other. I remember now why I set the coffee code of conduct in the first place.

What is it about setting rules for yourself that just make you want the exact thing your denying yourself even more? Coffee, cake, chocolate, cigarettes, it's all the same.

There was good cause for my double espresso day however. My friend Tortoise is leaving us for a island hideaway. She is the first to leave, but the rest of us (there are five) will soon follow, but all to different corners of the world. So we are in the process of saying long goodbyes. Actually that is a lie. They are long periods of partying followed by short coffee meetings for a quick goodbye and a few tears.

And at this meeting today, they cornered me. Read my face and deducted that I had started to fall disgustingly fast for ex-Boss. They asked me if I had said it. Tortoise, Puddleduck and Bluebird stared at me "well?". I looked away and hoped they wouldn't notice I wasn't answering.

"Your an 'I love you' hussy" Puddleduck accused. I felt one of the red balloons of happiness bobbing in my chest burst with the prick of her cynical look. Tortoise kept probing. "so, so, do you love him?".

I thought I did. I told him three days ago. And once since.

Why do their reactions make me doubt it? Fuck them I think. Fuck them and their cynicism. Even if ex-Boss and I break up tomorrow, weren't three days of elation worth it?

I couldn't say that to them. Instead I just sat there, blinking back tears and cursing myself for being so sensitive to everyone elses opinion. For valuing theirs over my own. For wanting to please them instead of myself. Fuck them, I'm going to have another coffee and keep falling in love.